maybe i’ll gain some sense of normalcy after this. it will definelty be a change not to go home to jacob after work tonight…i already feel the sadness. i’m still in riverbank so i’m going to go to the cemetery to talk with him. goddamn i miss that guy…but as i said to many, don’t worry if one day i’m gone because i’ve been happy. i’ve been loved and loved, and after that, what else could i want?
I was looking at pictures from my childhood and i was always that kid running around like a chicken with their head cut off. Hyper ass hell. Who knows what’s going to happen in life? Did I know that I was going to suffer so much grief? Nope, but that’s life. Shitty and wonderful. I’ve been getting better at accepting at what happened. I know i’ll enjoy music again. I know i’ll enjoy to live again. Although it’s hard right now, I will make people laugh again. I will try to be witty again (like I ever was, haha). Maybe, i’ll even enjoy tumblr again. Something to keep my mind off of things.
I really hope that everything works out and I move to Seattle. I’ll find out tomorrow. It’s scary but it’s also exciting. Right now I still feel like there is somewhere I need to go. That feeling, I know what it wants but it’s impossible to have. I want to be with Jacob again but he is now resting and at peace and I will always love him and I will always have our memories. So I have that. A change would be good. Sometimes I wish I believed in God. That I was filled Jesus Christ, our lord and savior. I could have an excuse for being crazy and irrational. But alas, religion is something I don’t believe in. So that’s out. Oh yeah, Osiris also told me that if Seattle doesn’t work out, she always has a room and a job at her bookstore for me in San Francisco. Sometimes, I forget i’m 23. Is that MGMT on that vizio commercial?
soooo, how is that going to go? living with bob. at least he has a dog. i want a dog.
i was glad to find out that they buried jacob in his favorite shirt. a shirt with all the marsupials of the world. the jacket i bought for him in reno that friday because he didn’t own one and it was snowing/raining. and his little wicket from when he was 3 years old. (how many? this many years old..:) jacob told me that everything he owned was mine and vise versa except his wicket. it’s a really cute stuffed ewok. i’m glad he has it now.
i’ve also been talking to dave. almost all day. well through text and hes really calms me down. i knew him before jacob, and he was with us through our relationship. i told him if i was being to clingy to tell me but he’s just the same. as attached as i am. i really did consider him family. and for that i will cling to him like a stray kitty at a house after being fed.
it was my sisters day off so i hung out with her and my nephews all day. i just realized that i’m going to have to buy a new bed since i’m moving in with bob. he’s just charging me for half of the utilites so that’ll be nice.
i still don’t care what happens to me. i hate that i never get sick. i don’t think i can bear to take my own life now after everything was said and done. i just don’t find fullfillment in anything i do. i always feel like i need to be somewhere that all of this is just for today and that tomorrow i’ll be where i’m supposed to be. i know where i’m supposed to be, with jacob. hanging out, doing something. that’s why i feel like nothing will ever be good. i can’t listen to music.
i’ll take care of myself when needed but to live a happy life again, i don’t think i’ll be able to. i feel like my life was complete. my friend jessica told me that it’s better to have loved than to have never loved at all. this rings true more than anything in my life. i loved and was loved. i thanked dave for bringing us together. i’m tired. i wish i could watch roseanne, but i can’t yet. it’s the only thing on late at night..i thought it was so weird for jacob to have so many seasons of roseanne, but he did and i watched them. and now i can’t even bear to watch it. maybe one day. who knows. well i shall write tomorrow.
i didn’t want to write today. i feel lost and numb. i don’t really know how to act anymore. but i wanted to write about the funeral.
i was very nervous and scared entering the evergreen chapel. it was almost like i didn’t know what i was doing there but i did. i saw the casket, it was a nice dark brown and on it was a decorational wreath or i guess more like a mass of pine branches and pine cones. it was really beautiful. i’m glad they didn’t give put flowers on his casket, he wasn’t a fan. neither am i. it was almost like all i saw was a casket. jacob wasn’t in there. it was like i couldn’t feel sad about a casket. i guess when i was going there i thought that somehow i would see him and talk to him. i sat down next to my brother gilbert and his wife, mostly in shock. i had to go outside and talk to dave, something familiar. but by that time, connie had arrived and some other family members. i finally met kris. he was really big. i don’t know why, really jacob didn’t want me to meet him. other than the fact that he is crazy. but still, it was his family and i knew that jacob cared about him. then i saw my friend jessica, krystle and osiris and that was comforting. then i saw his poor joann and that’s when i completly lost it. i hadn’t seen her since the i told them what happened and i just really needed her. we were in the special family room while the rest of the people there sat in another room kind of like an L shape with jacob in the corner. it was a very religious ceremony. i mean i’m not very religious any more but it wasn’t the words of jesus or god that made me feel better, it was more of the morals. i have to write the poem or verse that was in the pamphlet:
Don’t greive for me, for now I’m free, i’m following the path god laid for me. i took his hand when i heard him call, i turned my back and left it all. i could not stay another day to laugh, to love to work or play. tasks left undone must stay that way. I found that place at the close of day. If my parting had left a void, then fill it with remembered joy. A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss, ah, yes these things too i will miss. be not burdened with the time of sorrow, I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow. My life’s been full, I savored much, good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch. Perhaps my time seemed all too brief, don’t lenghten it now with undue grief. Lift up your heart and share with me, god wanted me now, he set me free.
That really made me cry. I still feel like there were so many things that he didn’t get to do. Things that we should have shared. I am trying to be strong and not be selfish, but how can I not? After reading this poem, it gave some sense of relief. Joann told me to not relive that night. To think of something happy if my memories of that night start to happen. I’m writing this right now at 1202 am on now saturday december 5th. I lost him almost exaclty 1 week ago. So right about now, i feel like i can’t take it. The poem kind of summed of a lot of my thoughts and talking to his mom also helped. I didn’t let go of her throughout the entire service. I was so close to him. I couldn’t feel saddness when seeing the casket but when inside of the chapel a man starting singing josh groban’s you raise me up, i went into my own world. I saw him inside, laying down and i thought of a song that he would have liked. It was something I needed. I still have yet to recieve a word from his brother Jon. When we were outside, that was really hard. They said a few words and everyone there sang amazing grace. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch throughout the ceremony but all i could think of was how jacob would have wanted something different. he wasn’t religous at all. he was a science based man and knew what he beleived in. so having a lot of the religous talk and songs seemed like something that if we were married and if i had more control over the it, i would’ve picked something different. i guess i never imagined losing somebody like this. i woudn’t of known what to do. i could barely stay alive myself. but the funeral was something that his mom needed. it was for her sake. we needed closure. needed to know that he was laid to rest. i was mentioned in is eulogy by his parents, it was super sweet. i thought about writing one the night before, but i wouldn’t of been able to even stand up there. not a word would come out. i know what i remember and everyone who knew that i was girlfriend would have known that i had more than words to offer. i would have given my life. once everyone had left to the restaurant for lunch i had to say my last goodbye to him. i played nick drake’s northern sky and just said goodbye and i cried. it won’t be that last time i see him..
i was glad that his family was being supportive and several of them talked to me and told me the relationship to jacob. it was super sweet. my other brother martin showed up with his wife dalia and also my friend nick. nick’s best friend that lived across the street from him in washington shot him self and the nerves in his body allowed him to walk across the street and die on his porch. he also found another family friend that had killed himself. he has been very sweet and nice this entire time. apart from what some might think, he is not trying to swoop. he is a sincerly nice guy. i’m really glad that he went to be there.
at the restaurant, it was a sort of buffet and after i ate, i went outside. the reason i went outside because that’s where the ihop was that we used to park outside from. i would park my car and get into his and drive anywhere. it was sort of our meeting place in lodi. the first time i hanged out with him. we met there. we were looking for a coffee shop that wasn’t starbucks for hours everywhere. but we ended up going to starbucks and getting tea. it was suppose to be a coffee meeting we got tea. it was something that we talked about a lot. but anyways, i was outside. i played bon iver’s skinny love, the velvet underground’s pale blue eyes and the stone roses i wanna be adored. all very lovely songs that reminded me of him. i talked out loud and cried. i felt like he was there…i went back inside after jessica went looking for me and she talked to me for a bit. things that made me feel happy. kind of assurance of things. when i went back inside, i talked with joann for quite a while. and she made me feel relieved. to know how much healthier she loooked from last time, not that she’s made a miraculous recovery but that she understands why it happened. that things to happen for a reason and that jacob is now at peace. i’ll always be allowed up there at our little home we made. i am now part of their family and they are mine. bonds like these are easily broken and with what has happened it’s only made them stronger. glenn, jacob’s dad told me that i would find somebody later, i almost want to say that he said better but i’m trying not to think of that. i just don’t know, i told him that i wouldn’t. i used to think that my last boyfriend richard was everything i needed, but what did i know? i was 17. i went out with several other guys and i always went back to him because he was what i wanted, what i thought i needed. but now i know that he wasn’t the defintion of love. he was my first love yes, difficult and stubborn. but i did care for him greatly and will always. after meeting jacob, and actually feeling love from another person. and not just the kind where they tell you they love you but you actually feel it. is something i don’t know if i will ever feel that again. i don’t want infatuation, i don’t want puppy love, or what could’ve been. i just don’t know if i will ever feel that way towards another person. at least right now i can’t even fathom it. i know jacob would want me to move on. but i don’t want to meet anybody. joann told me what glenn told me, just in a sweeter way. that i was young with a future. i plan on visiting jacob for the rest of my life. even if i move i will come back to lodi for him. how will a person i’ll be with feel about that? his parents are in their 60’s. jon doesn’t seem like the baby person type, kris is not okay in the head. who will visit him? who will know him? i always get depressed at cemeteries when i think of all the abandoned people there. i don’t want that for jacob. dave is 37, will he have kids? will they visit him? why is that so important to me? i have to get to a point where that stuff won’t matter to me. that’ll happen to me one day, where nobody will remember who i am. the planet will perish soon anyways. no need for history, no need for research, no need for material possessions, no need for money. just live life. share life. have a life full of love. i told dave that i would never take anybody or anything for granted in my life because i never thought jacob would be gone and now he’s left to a better place without me. dave responded that he didn’t leave without me, he went ahead to get the place ready for me. i of course just imagine him waiting saying, “hi babby, how was work?”.
But even with the little shreds of optimisim, I still lost my best friend.
I told jacob things i never told anyone in my life. I have never written them down anywhere, they were safe with him and he understood. It’s amazing when you find somebody who will not judge you. Who will love you, even though you need to be worked on. I feel broken now without repair. I think that’s how i will always feel. like a broken car that is fixed to run but will never be the same again.
Why are there 202 notes for this? Is suicide cool? No.
Stop being so interested in death, idiots.
i just had to respond to this. i saw this on somebody’s reblog:
Who are you to tell anyone what to be interested in. Why not be interested in it? We’re all going to die anyway, might as well accept the inevitable. Plus the thought of someone ending their own life is fascinating as hell. Just sayin’.
Suicide is the worst thing the loved ones left behind can experience. For someone to say that it’s fascinating for somebody to end their own life is obviously deluded. If your interested in it, get to know the faq’s about it instead of reblogging a pretty picture with the words suicide on it. This enfuriated me before my boyfriend commited suicide and now that he’s gone i wish for not even the worst person to have to go through suicide. Knowing that you could’ve done something to stop them from doing it.
I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer.
wow. this is perfectly sad.
tomorrow is the funeral. it’s hard to believe that i survived almost the whole week. i really didn’t think that i’d be able to do it. i’m glad i have friends and family that are really helping me through it. my sister is letting me borrow clothing for tomorrow because i don’t have any that are appropriate and i also don’t want to have clothes that i can say later that that’s what i wore to my boyfriends funeral.
this is all so surreal. i want to say that things happen for a reason. i used to be a strong believer in that. but idk. i was told a story by my friend jamal that was told to him by david (jacobs cousin). if a cup falls then the cup just fell. there is nothing more to it than that. but then i also think. i’m not going to bring full metal alchemist into this but i am. in the anime, there is the world ruled by alchemy and they can make things out sand, out of water, basically out of whatever materials are needed. like metal=a gun sort of thing. i don’t want to ruin it, but the energy, the force of this, is coming from somewhere, our world. the one ruled by science and inventions. so it’s kinda like with one thing there is always something else attached to it. like good and evil. i know this probably doesn’t make sense but it does to me and when i read this later i hope it still does. what i’m trying to say, is that with every action there is a reaction. and that is science, newtons third law? i’m not sure, but maybe the glass fell and some ants will benefit from the sugary liquid that spilled. something like that. maybe i will try to convince myself that things still do happen for reasons.
maybe i met ryan and jacob around the same time for the same reason. so that maybe he could help me out after the fact. i don’t know. maybe not. i know you read this ryan, maybe not, but please don’t be mad. i’m literally writing everything that is coming out of head. with some minor restrictions. if i wouldn’t of watched yes man, i wouldn’t of gone to san francisco and met jacob. if i wouldn’t of got fired, i wouldn’t have lived up in volcano and been with him. it would have been to hard driving that distance.
i watched serendipity today. for some reason, chick flicks are kind of calming me down. it’s basically stuff that doesn’t happen in real life. i mean, how often does that happen? but how do we really know? we wouldn’t unless we were watching a movie. joann, jacob’s mom, had a rack of movies below his full of chick flicks. i think i only watched about 2 or 3 from here only because jacob always thought that those movies were stupid. it is a fantasy. but as i was watching serendipity and having these thoughts, at the end of the movie when they meet again by fate nick drake’s northern sky played…this song:
I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you’re here
Bright in my northern sky.
It’s been a long time that I’m waiting
Been a long time that I’m blown
been a long time that I’ve wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind’s eye.
Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me ‘til I’m dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high.
I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you’re here
Bright in my northern sky.
Every relationship has a song, this was ours. I was happy and sad at the same time. What do you think about that? It was too much. I mean how? I also listened to magic in the air by badly drawn boy, but i cried a lot.
my brother is out of the h1m1 room. but now he’s delirous and wants to escape so my family, already under the stress of their suicidal daughter, now how to deal with my crazy brother. i really hope he gets better. he needs to. my poor mom..i wish i could see her everyday and tell her we’re going to be okay, but i can’t drive to modesto whenever i wish.
i have a thing with animals. i love them. every single one. i have a high pitched voice that appears without fail when i see a cute animal. jacob used to have me name every animal i saw. i mostly thought it was annoying because my brain can only think of so many clever names. on the other hand, jacob could name anything and it would fit the animals perfectly. in eureka he had two cats, ash and zero. he couldn’t bring them with him because they were indoor cats and his parents didn’t want a animals in the house and outside they would get eaten for sure by a wild animal in the mountains. a couple of weeks ago, we were at walmart and inside this truck were these three little white dogs and i seriously almost passsed out because they were so cute. i want to say they were mini white terriers, but i looked them up and they don’t look like them. i asked jacob to get me one but he said he would get me two! i know he was coaxing and was trying to break his mom down to allow me to have a puppy. i want a puppy. i saw a picture on tumblr not too long ago of these dogs. they’re three dogs and they’re running towards the camera. those cute little white things. i also want to get a fennec fox at some point. but that’s when i am actually stable. maybe when i move to seattle..but that’s for another day. maybe tommorow.
i don’t write this tumblr for anybody but me and if peole want to unfollow that’s okay. i just realized that these posts are long but they are cathartic to me.
i have a long day tomorrow. i didn’t realize that there was going to be a lunch after the services. i also have to ask to see him…
it really has. talking does help. letting people know what happened helps. i talked to my friend ryan for a while and he always seems to cheer me up. i guess i once thought of a future with him and thinking of that through all this sorrow and pain that something beautiful can still happen makes me feel okay. if that makes any sense. but he lives in ohio and i can’t always have contact with him for that reason. it makes me forget of the horrible accident of jacob and just think of good things about him. the rest of the day i think about his horrible accident and what i could’ve done. i also talked with dave and we talked about jacob, how they first re-met at their grandma’s funeral. he said that jacob talked about how fucked the earth was and al gore. that made me smile that he cared about that. i have his views on that now. the earth is doomed and we are leaving a catastropic future for our children. that’s why he didn’t want children, he didn’t want to expose them to that. he wanted to adopt, but he said he would have one with me and that’s something that he never wanted to do (that and marry me).
he used to live in eureka california and one day he came home and his girlfriend was gone. she had told his parents and her parents that he was suicidal. two weeks later she was married and had a baby less than 9 months later. she now lives in seattle. it was just an excuse to get out of the relationship. i thought about contacting her, but i have no idea how. i wonder if she would care? bitch.
but like i said before, i only thought about suicide for a few hours in the day. i had spurts of hope, happy thoughts about jacob. but i also cried too many times today to count but atleast i know now when he will be buried and laid to rest. it will be on friday at 930 in the morning. his parents want to make it a closed casket but i need to see him one last time. i need to make sure it’s him. i was talking to my friend nick and he told me that i wouldn’t want to see that, with his accident. but his dad explained that since he didn’t have a criminal past that he didn’t have prints to identify him. they sent him a picture and they verified it like that. i guess his picture looked peaceful and all he had was a scratch on his cheek. how many times did i kiss that cheek? i need to see him, for one last time.
every little thing reminds of him. the family guy episode where brian finds out that quagmire hates him was the last one we watched. it was playing at my sisters house on monday and that was not good. needless to say, i didn’t think it was funny this time around. any type of show. goddammit.
i really don’t think i will enjoy music again. if people that know me, know that i absolutely love music. i have so many cd’s, i love making mixtapes, finding new music, going to rasputin’s in stockton where jacob and i always went. he went last week and bought me brand new’s daisy. he hated brand new but he knew that i loved them. i just watched a commerical for the palm pixi and it has passion pit playing it and it just broke my heart. he was the one who introduced me to them. so many great bands. so many great songs. it’s such a big part of my life. now, i feel like i can never enjoy any song. it’s like they have no life, they’re just noise. he would always download groups that i would like and i never had anybody do that even band he didn’t like. i planned on buying pixies ticket for us, but i was too late on the whole bandwagon and i didn’t want see them in a shitty seat. i also looked up the pavement reunion for next year. we never even got to see the flaming lips in concert. i just don’t know if any of that will ever have any meaning to me. the last records i bought in reno were the beatles white album, neil young’s after the harvest and cat stevens teaser and the firecat. all records i know we would enjoy.
my sister told me that since i have no kids, i should move out of the country. jacob once teased me about how rosy my outlook on life was. i actually thought that i would one day live in france drinking my coffee and reading a book. i was kind of deluded. i just know that things are possible. i would like to move away one day, but right now everything just seems so bleak. i don’t know how i’m going to function being alone. i used love being alone. i didn’t mind that i would become the crazy cat lady down the street. i never really had anybody show me love or care for me so what would it matter if i was alone? but after this experience, it hard to think about waking up alone. thinking about not sharing a life with somebody, i feel like i need somebody, something i never thought about before. then i started thinking about divorce and how people that experience so much together, share a life, memories and thoughts how they end up separating and starting new lives. why did they get together in the first place? why then, did they separate?
i was cured of my zombie thoughts by jacob. but now i wish they were to come through. one of the last movies we watched was return of the living dead part 2 and there is a part where a woman gets trapped by her boyfriend and he asks her to let him eat her brains because he loved her and she let him. i was so mad at the lameness of this death, i wanted it to be more gruesome or atleast have her get away. but now when i think about it, i think if jacob ever came back as a zombie i would let him eat my brains. which is something that a year ago, i would be terrified about. i wanted to get a gun for fucks sake.
there were just too many things that i deluded my self with. zombies, online attention, shopping, tv, and he helped me with all of that. i’m still me only better.
i feel a little bit better, i even ate. if i got the swine flu though, i wouldn’t mind. maybe i should go visit my brother without a mask. but i was told today that i wouldn’t want to my loved ones to experience what i’m going through. i wouldn’t wish this on even my worst enemies (that i don’t have) or the worst person in the world. not even on george bush or sarah palin or glenn beck. which is saying a lot.
i don’t know what else to write about today that will make me feel better. my brother is taking me to hit balls at the golf course. i normally wouldn’t play golf, but i need things to take up my day. until i have to go to sleep. for friday morning. goodnight
